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Writer’s Digest - How to Be a Successful Ghostwriter

2011-06-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

Writer’s Digest - How to Be a Successful Ghostwriter

Writer's Digest Questions and Quandaries - I Could Care Less or I Couldn't Care Less?

2011-01-18T18:54:00.001-06:00

Writer's Digest Questions and Quandaries - I Could Care Less or I Couldn't Care Less?

The Dog Licked What???

2010-05-13T16:48:00.029-05:00

Before I begin this slightly embarrassing entry, I must relay one of the most profound statements I have heard in a long time: "If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."

This statement renders itself so true for me nearly every day, and ties itself rather nicely into today's tidbit:

A few weeks ago, I had the great fortune to stumble upon a beautiful, almost-new electric skillet at a thrift store. Since that time, that skillet has been used in our household nearly every evening. I am no culinary wizard, let me assure you. Most everything can be made to perfection with this amazing pan. It's virtually foolproof for my significant other, Romeo, and me to cook with. And it's Teflon coating makes cleaning it the easiest chore in the world!

One morning, I noticed the skillet on the floor next to the dogs dish. I asked, "Romeo, hon, did you let the dog eat the leftovers out of the skillet last night?" To which he responded, "Yes, I did. He loved them!" Now, ordinarily I do not have major issues with the dog enjoying after-dinner leftovers straight from the dishes we eat from. My dog shares from my own ice cream cones and laps beverages from my own drinking glass. I know my dishes will be hospital-clean before they are used again, so letting the dog lick them bone-dry does not bother me. There. Now you know. You are free to avoid eating at my house if you must.

On this particular morning, however, seeing the skillet on the floor and knowing that the dog had licked it clean instantly spurred a rather unpleasant realization. Before cooking dinner the previous evening, I remembered seeing what I perceived to be a neatly washed and dried skillet on the counter top. I remembered thinking, "Why, how sweet! Romeo cleaned the pan for me!" In hindsight, I should have questioned such a rare occurrence. Instead, I commenced to prepare dinner in that very skillet.

As these flashes of insights linked themselves together like a jigsaw puzzle, I picked the pan up off the floor and walked with it to where Romeo sat. Knowing the answer before I even asked, I sputtered, "Romeo,..did..you..give..the..dog...the...pan...to..lick..the...other..night...too?" Well, you can guess. He sure had. And he had kindly placed it back on the countertop when the dog was done with it. How sweet of him.

One could argue that I should not care too much about cooking in a pan that had skipped the wash cycle and went straight from the dogs slobbery tongue to our plates. After all, the food WAS cooked at a high enough temperature to kill any potentially offensive germs. And besides, if I allow the dog to lick from my ice cream cones, why should this little infarction be that big of a deal?

It was kind of a big deal to me at first. I was pretty ginched-out at the mere thought of ingesting cooked dog saliva. But when I looked down at him, with those big brown eyes staring back at me and that huge polar-bear head nuzzled up against me like a fuzzy bowling ball, my heart melted. I gave him a pat, and said to him, "Romeo, next time I will WATCH you clean up after supper!"

Aero, the dog, got a bone to chew that evening.

I hope you get a good laugh at my faux pas. I'm laughing about it now. Enjoy your day, and let me leave you with this: "If you cannot laugh at yourself, no worries. Someone else will do it for you."

Many guffaws,
L

I Completed the Liquid Diet!.......Sort of.....

2010-05-12T13:33:00.008-05:00

If you read my earlier entry on my decision to undergo a two-day liquid fast, this entry will make more sense.

So, as promised, I am writing to let you know how my 48-hour stint with the miracle juice went. First, let me just say that I am back among the living - yes, it was touch and go for a while there. I do believe that I had entirely flat-lined before the slice of pizza entered my mouth. Once the liter of fully-sugared Pepsi began its course through my veins, I was pretty much out of the water. Of course, these extreme life-saving measures were necessary only after trying to subsist on first the juice alone, then on feeble nibbles of raw spinach. Finally, meat had become absolutely essential for survival. But I drew the line there....doggone it, no carbs while I was fasting, I decided!

Anywhoo, the pizza/Pepsi combo incident occurred the morning after the first 24-hours. Apparently my brain had smartly kicked into its "watch out, we're smack in the middle of a famine!" mode. Good to know it was still in operation after a day with barely any nourishment. Suffice it to say that I did not complete a full 48-hour fast. Eating a bucketful of raw spinach leaves is, in it's purest sense, not technically fasting, meaning I made it only until lunchtime the first day. And I'm not sure if it was the pound of fried hamburger that followed the greens or the miracle juice itself that gave me the worst heartburn of my life. Let me just conclude by pronouncing that I am hereby done with such extreme measures to lose weight. I, like most everyone, will simply have to abide by the tried but true technique: less in, more out. 'Nuff said for now.

On that note, I'm off for a jog in this tundra-like May weather. And I'm grateful that today I have the energy for such a trek, as I have eaten healthy, nourishing food today. Which is truly the nicest thing you can do for your body.

Wishes of health to all,

L

A Fast Cannot Go Fast Enough!

2010-05-10T10:31:00.027-05:00

One thing I have had a lifelong love/hate relationship with myself is my sense of spontaneity. I love that at a whim, I can easily make a decision that for some people might cause a great deal of angst over a long period of time. These include life-altering decisions such as purchasing a new car, investing large amounts of my financial portfolio into high-risk stocks, or marrying a husband.

I also hate that my whimsical way of making quick, not-necessarily-well-thought-out decisions has caused me to very much regret purchasing certain cars, watching certain investments tumble down a plunging stock market, and marry certain less-than-desirable people. Don't ask how many times I've made any of these decisions. I don't necessarily always learn from the choices I make, good or bad. Besides, these things will be discussed in future blogs, I assure you.

This tidbit of information about myself leads to my discussion for today. Which is this: I woke up this morning with no agenda other than to work on my writing projects, when the decision to start a liquid fast hit me harder than a bottle of "Hollywood Diet" upside the head. This was not just a fleeting thought, nor was there any discourse going on in my head, such as, "You've done these fasts before, dummy....you know the effect they have on your bowels," or, "Why would anyone deliberately starve themselves? Didn't you just grocery shop yesterday?" No, for me the decision pretty much formulated as I stared in the mirror just before stepping into the shower, lamenting the neglected (or ignored?) sagging flesh that has become my rear and the waving flags hanging from where my triceps should be. Apparently that image was enough to substantiate an urgency to embark on a two-day liquid fast. Or torture session. Which it really is. "Dietary manipulations" (or withholding healthy amounts of daily caloric intake) is indeed a torture technique for prisoners in some countries, along with other techniques such as waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and sexual and physical abuse. Just so you know the category in which liquid fasts belong.

So why?? Why am I choosing to deliberately go hungry, spend unnatural amounts of time in the bathroom, and live in pain for the next 48 hours (which will feel like weeks, I can assure you!)? This is not some doctor-ordered mandate I must follow to prep for major surgery or produce clear lab tests. Why am I intentionally going to flood my kidneys with liquid and deprive my guts of sustenance? Seriously, folks, I whine when I miss ONE meal! Two full days will surely render me vegetative, will it not? So WHY??

It's pretty simple, actually. First, there are the commercials. Oh, the COMMERCIALS! How they entice me with the images of out-of-shape, pudgy bodies that have been beautifully transformed in only TWO DAYS by drinking this magic juice! The amazing bodies of men and women who have experienced success using this product invade my TV screen, taunting me, convincing me that I, too, can have the body of the stars by imbibing nothing but magic juice for just the itty-bitty timeframe of 48 hours.

Second, there is my insatiable need for instant gratification. Why diet and kill myself exercising for weeks on end when a simple bottle of liquid can eliminate the need for all that in just TWO DAYS? Heck, my bottle of miracle juice tells me I can take off up to ten pounds! Ten pounds may or may not be my ultimate goal, but why not get a good chunk of it off in record time?

Now, I like to think of myself as a generally intelligent being; I really don't buy into any get-skinny-quick scheme, no matter how much it is sounding like I do. I really don't. I am pretty good at discounting crazy exercise apparatuses and fad diets. I have dieted enough in my lifetime to know that the bottom line is that it truly does take hard work, discipline, and TIME to really fight the flab and actually win. So again, why am I doing this to myself?

Because I made a decision. Now I am into it; I have to stay the course. I bought the juice; I can't let it go to waste. Furthermore, I'm bloated; it will do me good to get the extra water-weight off! And.....oh, forget it. I really think that maybe this time - THIS time, I will become skinny in two days!

The first step is honesty, right?

Now if you'll excuse me....I need to find the bathroom. Along the way I hope to find some energy because I can feel the stores depleting fast....get it? Fast? Oh boy, it's happening already. I'll write again in two days, if I have not withered into a dried remnant of miracle juice. I promise to tell you honestly if I loved or hated this choice I made today.

Wish me luck!
L

(An aside: Two days is no time at all to accomplish major weight loss when you consider you will eat again someday. However, it is an eternity when you are actually facing TWO DAYS OF NOT EATING. I wanted to leave you with that thought as you enjoy your day of food. In two days, I am sure I will laugh about this.)

I Solemnly Swear.....

2010-05-06T13:40:00.000-05:00

Good day, fellow bloggies!

I realize I've been woefully neglectful of my blog site, and I am here today to solemnly resolve revival of this site back to health. I hereby promise to nurture and care for this site as if it were my own child. Which, in essence, it kind of is. I will fatten it with good, nutritious words full of the vitamins of wisdom and the minerals of humor! I will collect friends and followers who will help me bring this sad and neglected site back to health.

I must admit that I initially started this blog to see what would happen when I Googled my name. At the time, I was writing for corporations. So although I had tons of authoring under my belt, I did not have much I could publish to the public sector. Therefore, I followed the advice of a well-meaning recruiter, who advised that I post my college essays. Which was opportune, because at the time, I was finishing my MBA. I had lots of papers I could post to this blog! So I did just that.

This was cool in the beginning because when I Googled myself, I had a lot of pages to navigate through. However, I did not expect the influx of students across the globe thanking me for the help I gave them getting their college papers written. I can only guess that " 偉大的致富萬能之" is in some beautiful form of Mandarin a huge "Thank You for getting me a passing grade in my Finance and Economics class" type of comment. No? Well, forgive me, please. I received many such comments on my essays. I do not know Mandarin, Japanese, German, Kuhudepi, and good heavens, my Spanish is pretty sketchy. So as we speak, I am working to get rid of those essays and start posting the stuff I really love to write about! I can only say to college students to grab them quick, because they are going away as soon as I figure out how to delete or archive them. (That is not to say that for the right price I won't help you with your papers.....contact me about my ghostwriting skills!)

My initial goal for this blog is to fill it with my words. These words will form bits and pieces of information that I consider to be interesting and meaningful. I love to laugh, so I will try to incorporate humor as much as possible into this site. I have many interests, that in the beginning, I will use to draw from when creating blogs. My hope is that I provide enough entertainment value so that followers will come back to my blog over and over again. I also fully intend to gain all kinds of new interests based on followers' comments and suggestions! Over time, my overall goal is to create a well-rounded, robust site filled with something for almost everyone.

I am excited to renew my blogging resolve! I hope you enjoy this site enough to keep coming back, and of course to share with others!

Peace to all,
Lynelle

The Pro’s and Con’s of Getting Caught In the Rain While Out on a Perfectly Ordinary Afternoon Run

2009-07-30T21:48:00.000-05:00

Today was a beautiful day. A clear, mid-70’s, breezy kind of day that is perfect for an afternoon run. I missed going to the gym this morning, so I decided to knock off work early and take a jaunt. So I’m jaunting along, when I noticed sudden clouds moving in – and I’m talking sudden. They were definitely not there when I started. I began thinking hmmm….what if it starts storming in the middle of my run? I picked up the pace a bit, which isn’t too hard when you’re listening to Ricky Martin croon “Shake Your Bon Bon” through your headset while imagining shaking your bon bon with Ricky, singing backup while wearing a 60’s-style mini-skirt with fringes, and knee-high boots – Oh, come on! Don’t tell me your fantasy life doesn’t kick in during a boring workout session! Am I right??

Anyway, despite my faster pace, the rains came. They poured with the ferocity that I’m certain has not been witnessed since Noah built the ark. I’m in the middle of the torrents, with no choice but to plod homeward. My thoughts shifted from frolicking with Ricky Martin to the current situation at hand. (Ironically, my iPod advanced from “Bon Bon” to Keith Sweat’s “In the Rain”….how cool is that?) I upped my speed even more, but to no avail…..there was no avoiding the fact that I was soon to be soaked to the bone. Before long, my musings took the form of a pro and con-type list. I’d like to share those with you here:

The Pro’s and Con’s of Getting Caught In the Rain While Out on a Perfectly Ordinary Afternoon Run

Pro: The rain is very refreshing!
Con: The rain does a number on your mascara, which you shouldn’t be wearing while running anyway, but that’s what you have to do when you miss your morning workout and you have to do it at the end of the working day, so it serves you right for being lazy.

Pro: You don’t need to share the sidewalks with other runners/bikers/dog-walkers.
Con: The timing of this particular rainstorm happened to be during rush hour, so while the sidewalks were void of others, the roads were crammed with them. I could have sworn I actually heard the finger-pointing of the commuters. I’d say being laughed at is a con.

Pro: Others may not know that you’re not affected with mania, needing to run in rain, sleet, hail, or ice storms. Others, including me, generally thing people like that are idiots. I don’t really like to be thought of as an idiot, which brings about some sort of humility. A little humility is always a good thing to help keep things in perspective.
Con: That’s a load of doo doo. Humility never crossed my mind as I cursed the skies that couldn’t keep from opening for 20 lousy minutes.

Pro: Rainwater is so good for the hair and skin!
Con: But not so good for iPods.

Pro: I haven’t been out slogging in rain since I was a kid! I used to really enjoy that! I could learn to enjoy that again!
Con: Good Lord, has anyone been electrocuted by their iPod before??

Pro: No one can notice the unattractive sweat spots.
Con: Everyone can notice the unavoidable puddles one is forced to slosh through when torrential rains collect. OK, in all honesty, I’m really not sure how many people saw that, but it doesn’t matter. It’s enough just knowing you look like a loser.

Pro: You get a better workout when you’re trying to outrun rain.
Con: There’s a tendency to choke on rainwater when you’re gasping for air.

Pro: Clean shoes
Con: Wet feet

But…all’s well that ends well: I eventually made it home. I stood in the doorway, dripping like a wet rat, peeling off socks that had adhered to my feet, and my son walks by and asks, “Why were you running in the rain?” Come here, kid. Let me give you a wet sock-slap. Better yet, where’s that weather guy who didn’t predict a short-lived cell? I’d like to wet sock-slap him too.

25 Random Things about Me

2009-02-01T21:34:00.000-06:00

1. I wish I were wealthy (like, really, really wealthy!)

2. I've learned to love my freckles

3. I need to eat healthier

4. I hate to exercise

5. I need to exercise more

6. My guilty pleasure is watching Bret Michael's "Rock of Love" (I know, I"m so embarassed!)

7. I can tailor clothes for anyone except myself.

8. If I were good enough, I'd make my living drawing.

9. If I were good enough, I'd make my living sewing.

10. If I were good enough, I'd make my living writing.

11. If I were good enough, I'd make my living combining the above three.

12. Sometimes I'm not sure why I got my master's degree in business administration when my true passions are drawing, sewing, and writing.

13. I think it shoudl be acceptable for women to have bald heads in the name of fashion. Just shave it all off. Just think....no more bad hair days!

14. I think carrying an extra 15 pounds should be considered sexy....

15.......as should a bit of cellulite.....

16. I think it sucks that tanning is unhealthy (I always liked how tanned legs camoflauged the cellulite!)

17. I'm happiest when I'm at the library.

18. No matter how hard I try, I cannot meditate....

19.....nor can I do yoga.

20. A part of me is looking forward to menopause (a small part...)

21. I function best after 9 hours of sleep.

22. I don't get enough sleep.

23. I have the cutest little feet!

24. I love to dance but have no rhythm....

25.....and I don't care!

A New Resolve for an Old Resolution

2009-01-12T21:50:00.000-06:00

If you are like me, every year you set New Year's resolutions. And for me, one goal in particular always finds itself on my list: "This year I resolve to lose 20 pounds." As I ponder what my resolutions will be for 2009, I have to wonder if perhaps setting this resolution, once again, is in vain. After all, if I'd actually lost the 20 pounds over the prior year, would not this be considered a goal met, thereby allowing me to remove it from this year's list? This thought caused me to ask myself, "Why do I think that the New Year will magically bring the ability to do something that I could not achieve during any other time of the year? And for the love of Pete, why am I not losing the weight?"

To gain a little more insight as to why I seemed powerless to succeed each and every year (even though I'm fully aware of the benefits I would reap if I did), I conducted some research on what "resolution" means. According to dictionary.com, one of the (many) definitions of the word "resolution" is: "The act, operation, or process of resolving." As broad as this definition is, I think I can apply it to my situation. The "act, operation, or process" of resolving, for me, indicates that I have a problem that needs solving. Do I, indeed? Well, the fact that I feel the need to lose 20 pounds seems to fit the fact that there is a problem(s) (ie: my clothes are too tight, I've developed a second chin, my scale displays numbers that shock me) that needs to be resolved. Fair enough. Now I have a set of problems. Not only do I need to lose 20 pounds, I need to worry about the consequences carrying 20 extra pounds creates.

Whew! And this is just one resolution of roughly a dozen I've got on the docket for 2009! Perhaps for the sake of sanity (and the potential for success) this year, I should consider attacking this particular goal from a different angle: one that allows for successful achievement in a more self-accepting and less self-defeating manner. After all, losing 20 pounds seems not only nearly impossible for me, but it also brings with it the added stress of having a closet full of too-small clothes, a side profile that rivals that of a turkey, and a coolish relationship with my bathroom scale. Perhaps, rather than resolving to accomplish something that is obviously not happening for me, I should instead focus on resolving the smaller issues that have resulted by not meeting my goal. I mean, really.....how hard would it be to start buying clothes in my real size rather than holding onto the dying hope that I will one day fit into what currently hangs in my closet? An added benefit would be that, by finally embracing my "new" size, my wardrobe might actually be in fashion! And a double chin can always be camouflaged with a few well-placed scarves and clever makeup tricks. And who says I need to keep a scale in the bathroom, or in the house at all, for that matter? How liberating to toss it out with the leftover Christmas trimmings! I really never need to weigh myself again, if you think about it; hence, eliminating a resolution I would never need to worry about achieving again.

As tempting as it is to forego my standby resolution for good, I must be realistic. If I am to be completely honest with myself, I know I'm not ready to eliminate this resolution. I know that it is in my best interest health-wise to stay the fight and work to make this resolution a reality. I also know that, doggone it, I WANT to lose this weight! I know I will look and feel better. So maybe I should focus instead on resolving to make a few lifestyle changes. For example, maybe I can plan my meals and snacks daily, and ensure I am stocking my fridge and pantry with healthful foods. I can resolve to cut out desserts and second helpings. And would it kill me to take a daily walk and pick up a set of free weights a couple of times a week? Finally, maybe I can think smaller in terms of overall weight loss.....as in, shooting for five pounds instead of 20. Maybe the idea of losing a whole 20 was overwhelming enough to subconsciously set myself up for failure.

Whatever the reason, the old resolution didn't stick. So, while I'm not ready to throw the idea of dropping a few pounds out with the bathroom scale, I am willing to change the way I resolve to make a change. And that, I must say, feels like a lighter load to bear already!

Happy, Healthy New Year!